It took alot to get here, it didn’t come withoutlots of tears and work. I took my 60 chip this morning, and I spoke about how I did it. It’s crazy because I am usually so scared to talk in front of anyone I didn’t know let alone a room full of people. After I spoke I sat there and thought I was dreaming because it felt so unreal. How in the heck did I just speak to a room full of people and not be scared to death, my heart wasn’t pounding as if it was about to jump out of my chest, I was sweating or fidgety. It was the most comfortable I’ve felt in a long time talking in front of all those people and about my sobriety. Two months ago I couldn’t even say the word alcoholic and here I was talking about me being an alcoholic and not worried at all. I felt that they understood me and knew exactly how I felt. How did I do it? I had to go to rehab for 6 weeks, would of stayed longer but other things took place that prevented me from being able to. After I returned home I attended meetings every day during the week. Today is my first Sunday meeting because my 60 days happenedto land on the weekend. During my short speech I asked for a sponsor, I know I can’t do this alone and need someone to guide me and to work the steps with. I got a list of names and numbers after the meeting, Iam going to start by listening to their shares and see whom I relate to. I may get a temporary sponsor until I can find one. I am going to continue to go to as many meetings as I can and continue to listen to the words hear the message. When I entered the rooms of A.A about a year ago I wouldn’t listen to anyone because I knew best that I didn’t have a problem I wasn’t like them, boy was I wrong and confused. I know my recovery is a process, but the difference this time is I am willing.
Until next time. …
I wanted to share my reflection I read today with you. It is so very true, I did this with alot of things in my life. I was constantly searching for happiness. I would mainly start with self and in my image. I’d grow my hair, then cut it all off. I’d eat, or not eat. I’d buy new clothes or throw my clothes away. Get my nails done or not. Go get a gym membership or stop working out all together. Go to the doctors for medicine get the medicine and stop taking it. Obviously I was searching everywhere for this happiness, and even though I can’t say I’m happy every day I’m human and have good and bad days. I do know that I am happier that I am sober, I would drink to be happy, to not feel sad, to not deal with anything and the whole time it was playing a huge part as to why I wasn’t happy in the first place. It’s a long bad cycle over and over. I know I’m in a better place now that I am not drinking, yeah sometimes the bad does sucks, but I’m learning how to deal with it better than to TRY and drink it away….
HAPPINESS IS NOT THE POINT
I don’t think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowl- edge?
— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 306
In my search “to be happy,” I changed jobs, married and divorced, took geographical cures, and ran myself into debt-financially, emotionally and spiritually. In A.A., I’m learning to grow up. Instead of demanding that people, places and things make me happy, I can ask God for self-acceptance. When a problem overwhelms me, A.A.’s Twelve Steps will help me grow through the pain. The knowledge I gain can be a gift to others who suffer with the same problem. As Bill said, “When pain comes, we are expected to learn from it willingly, and help others to learn. When happiness comes, we accept it as a gift, and thank God for it.” ( As Bill Sees It, p. 306)
I got a great fortune this afternoon. With being newly sober things read different to me. I really try to figure out what the message is saying. I am just trying to understand myself and my addiction with alcohol. I can read the big book, I can read the steps, I can be told I’m an alcoholic, but I have to actually understand it to get it. It’s a long journey and I have alot to learn and understand about myself. The reason I am different with alcohol then my fellow peers.
I really liked this fortune I got this afternoon I wanted to share it with you.
Until next time…..
Alcoholism required me to drink, whether I wanted to or not. I’m new at this, this way of life. Living without drinking. I’m just trying to grasp the meaning of alcoholism, being an alcoholic, and insanity. I feel insanity dominated my life and was the essence of my disease. Its been tough to say this, the insanity part…it fits though because I’ve been doing the same things over and over expecting a different result.
I am searching for the understanding and ability to accept the full meaning of the disease of alcoholism.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 38
….to the beginning, comments welcome